Rock’s Aging Sex Icons Need To Quit Already

In the last decade or so, popular culture has been enamored and humored by the aging rock superstar. And what started out as mild amusement of getting to see a hair metal band from your childhood on a “one-time-only reunion tour”, has developed into a full-blown addiction: as a society we are unwilling to let these celebrities escape the limelight. And given their largely narcissistic ways, they are happy with the renewed attention. Suffice to say, it is strange to see someone your grandfather’s age running around with wispy long hair and spandex pants. Here’s a list of rock’s sex icons that should, in the name of dignity and pride, gracefully bow out and perhaps consider some more distinguished pursuits.

Bret Michaels

Michaels’ success with Poison was marked by an abundance of money, girls and drugs…and sex. Michaels once famously told Playboy that he loves threesomes and that the biggest sexual turn-on is giving oral sex. And to top it off, he is open about having lost count of how many women he has slept with. In his youth Michaels was fit, and widely considered to be one of the better looking rock stars out there; not only successful, he was a veritable sexual icon. Now, Michaels is reputed to have lost or spent a good chunk of his earnings – not to mention self-respect – looking for love on VH1. Now in second season of “Rock of Love”, Michaels is showcased as a vain and self-obsessed has-been, who is encouraged to debauch bipolar strippers and alcohol-abusive women for our viewing pleasure. The verdict is still out on whether his ubiquitous bandanna is sewn into his wig, or if it is just tied really tight.

Gene Simmons

Famous for his long, pointy tongue, the lead singer of Kiss claims to have slept with over five thousand women. Simmons’ sexual appeal during his prime was due to his mysterious makeup, his outrageous behavior, and his fame and fortune. His Playboy playmate partner of 25 years with whom he has two children, doesn’t value marriage or monogamy in their relationship. Much to the world’s chagrin, a sex tape of Simmons and a young female model was recently leaked to the Internet, featuring the once great rocker – now in his sixties – having awkward and uncomfortable-looking sex for what seems like an eternity. More than anything, the existence of the tape begs whether his high number of sexual partners is really just an exaggeration, or even a result of an age-related memory fault.

Keith Richards

During the height of The Rolling Stones popularity, women (and some men) wanted Richards, and men (those who didn’t want him) wanted to be him. A talented and creative musician, Richards’ style defined an era both in music and in fashion. There are no shortages of stories regarding the sexual escapades that he and fellow Stones got into during their heyday. Most recently, however, Richards claimed to have snorted the ashes of his own father mixed in with cocaine. Realizing that this alienated normal people, Richards later went on the record to deny this statement. Presently, Richards’ skeletal remains can be found featured in tabloids, still parading about in flamboyant clothing, eyeliner and looking generally confused.

Steven Tyler

Lead singer of Aerosmith, and owner the world’s most famous lips, Tyler is a vocal advocate of not marrying. In a recent Elle interview, Tyler claimed that if you were to be in a monogamous relationship, to “lie ‘til you die’, regarding claims of infidelity. It seems that he had an elaborate system for evading comprising situations and drama; Tyler also admits that during the band’s tour, he and band mates would refrain from sexual activity with groupies the last ten days before returning home, so their girlfriends wouldn’t suspect (smell?) anything. Back in the early 1980s, his microphone scarf & tight jeans ensemble would make the ladies go wild. But now, the dude looks like a lady.

David Lee Roth

Most true Van Halen fans prefer Roth to Van Hagar, and probably all women did as well. He was perhaps the sex icon of the late 1970s, even if his vocal ability was questioned. Roth had a very interesting and business-like approach to selecting the women he would fornicate with at concerts. His staff would find him the “hottest girls” and at the end of the concert, he would announce the winning girls who would get a pass: “Blond, pink top, sector A4.” DLR was also known to have his staff members take Polaroid photos of the girls in bizarre situations like acting as a nude table for the stars, to say the least. At the ripe age of 53 in 2007, Roth went on a comeback tour with Van Halen. Unfortunately, he still performs shirtless.

Robert Plant
Led Zeppelin’s famous front man claims to have had a fetish for watching live sex shows. Known for his falsetto, his deep v-necked suits, wild hair (including chest) and tight pants, Plant epitomized the term “Rock God”. Plant once said the difference between a fan and a groupie is a fan is someone to have sex with and a groupie is someone who wants to take care of you like a mother or girlfriend. During Led Zeppelin’s rise to prominence, Plant was young and an effortless sexual appeal. Now Plant resembles an aging peasant character from The Lord of the Rings. Fortunately for Plant, he still has most of his hair. However, when you turn 60, you should not be able to have shoulder-length hair. I guess he didn’t get the memo.

Axl Rose
According to Rolling Stone, Axl Rose recorded “Rocket Queen” in the recording studio while having sex with his girlfriend Adriana Smith. Interestingly, Smith happened to be a Guns n’ Roses member Steven Adler’s ex. Smith wanted to get back at Adler for cheating on her. Rose wanted the sounds of her real orgasm recorded in the song. Seemed like everyone won. Rose was well known had that “bad boy” quality that women love, even if he wore women’s jeans and sang rather cheesy love ballads at times (note: this does not discount the merits of “Appetite for Destruction”). Since his “comeback” during the MTV Music Video Awards by performing with Guns n’ Roses, he’s gone way downhill. Rather than falling off the radar, he tried and failed at a comeback. But at least he finally finished “Chinese Democracy”. Rose can now be seen wandering the streets of L.A. sporting fake dreadlocks or a goatee…or both.

Richie Sambora

In the eighties, Sambora’s conquests had good things to say about his lovemaking style. They said he had good rhythm (guitar?) and would perform oral sex for hours. Being part of one of the most successful rock bands in the world, made an already handsome Sambora, much more attractive. Since Bon Jovi’s highly successful comeback and the bands subsequent collective aging, Sambora has split from his wife, Heather Locklear, dated Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, put on a bunch of weight and went to rehab for alcohol problems. Now, many question whether or not allowing him to perform oral sex is in anyone’s best interest.

Ozzy Osbourne

As a young musician, Ozzy was rich and crazy. He famously bit the head off of a bat which stirred his name in the media as well as made him seem a more dangerous sex icon. Wife, Sharon Osbourne has gushed that Ozzy can perform sexual acts for hours and is a fantastic lover. Ozzy became monogamous when Sharon faked a positive AIDS test result. After that “scare”, Sharon claims Ozzy never cheated again A look into the life of the family (via their television show) on MTV, shows Ozzy as a shuffling, mumbling, stuttering invalid who is hardly considered a sex icon any longer. But he still performs, somehow – at concerts that is.

Lars Ulrich

Ulrich recently boasted that while on tour with Guns n’ Roses, he and Axl Rose had numeous orgies with groupies. Ulrich was one of the bad boy sex machines while in Metallica, being handsome, popular and successful and had no problem getting girls backstage to come to the band’s infamous sex parties. He has also at times had tumultuous relationships with his fellow band mates, which furthered his bad boy persona. Now Ulrich can be occasionally found in tabloid magazines looking haggard and old. Metallica is still estimated to be worth more than $189 million, but the recent Napster scandal has left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth for Ulrich, and has women who love pirating music looking elsewhere.

Fred Durst
Once the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, Durst has expressed on his website: “I’ve had plenty of sex. I’ve lied terribly. I’ve cheated.” During his peak, he was rumored to be involved sexually with both Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. His lyrics were honest, vulgar and angry, which fueled his sex appeal - plus he work backwards hats and had tattoos. Today Durst is virtually unrecognizable. He has recently ditched his trademark cap for a ¼” of sparse, silvery hair, and only in his thirties, he looks largely overweight and aged. Recently, a sex tape with Durst and his 20 year-old girlfriend was leaked onto the Internet. Many speculate this was Durst’s own doing for publicity purposes, a claim that Durst himself denies. Let’s hope it’s the last sex tape we ever hear about from this guy.

Eddie Van Halen

As the lead guitarist of supergroup “Van Halen”, Eddie was a handsome star that seems to have fallen victim to the “gross side “ via drugs, aging and a brief bout with cancer and other illnesses. Most recently, Van Halen has teamed up with porn director to write two songs for an adult film “Sacred Sin”. He insists he is a fan of his friend/director’s work and wants to be a part of it. In the last decade, Van Halen underwent a hip replacement surgery, but still feels comfortable taking his shirt off and playing guitar in front of thousands for his bands’ many comeback tours. Recently, Van Halen has split from his wife, and put himself back out on the market. The timing is probably not coincidental.

Mick Jagger
Mick Jagger is one of the most famous rockers of all time, and one that has aged most interestingly. Like most of his contemporaries, he has been able to retain his physique, but he has surprisingly kept all of his hair. Additionally, Jagger’s face has aged seemingly twice as fast as the rest of him. Jagger has famously claimed that, “if you are not having sex then you are wasting your time.” Being a young sex symbol, Jagger indulged in relationships with high-profile women such as Carla Bruni, Janice Dickinson, Jerry Hall(with whom he has four children) and many, many others. At the age of 65, Jagger and his rubber face are still touring the world, for reasons that remain a mystery to most of us. He is also still actively dating super models.

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